So two days ago was my Xanga birthday.  Yeah, I always miss it by a few days.  I wanted to make a huge epic post about it.  But honestly right now I feel my time on Xanga is up.  I didnt have any people to talk to because all I found were drama laden girls.  Now I am embracing the fact that I am 18 and I am finding people who I can talk to.  Real people who arent all about the drama! I used to just be able to find girls who were just stupid and immature, and I avoided friendships with guys because I had some experiences with them ended up 'liking me' *rolls eyes*.  I hope that we are beyond that for now!!

Anyway to me this blog is finished.  If you want to stay in touch [which a lot of you probably dont REALLY want to] you can message me and let me know. 

The following song always confused me.  But I think it is starting to make sense now.  Kind of like what Little Women did, made more sense as I grew up......I love you all, and in fact if you are still on my friends list it is because I still care about you.  I'll still come comment on your stuff but I wont be posting anymore.

When I Go Down by Relient K

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again


I made a new blog on wordpress.....ask and ye shall receive

EDIT: Another song I am digging for the lyrics is Someday by the Afters.  But I dont want to post it and make this too super uber long.

So the campus visit was AMAZING and my audition was AMAZING and I am superdiduperty positive about it all.  The stressful weekend is over but i need to go to sleep or it will start all over again...

..and everbody else is having problems. >.< 

Here i am at a huge quandry. Or at least to me its a huge quandry. Ive always known that music would be my college/career path. But recently my piano teacher called me out on it and asked if its what i really want to do. Now i dont know. Is the reason i did music because thats what kinda was expected of me? Or was it my choosing?

Im thinking writing is my passion. But more like journalism. So my deal is that if i get in with the auditiom on saturday then music is my thing. If nit then i will pursue journalism. 

EDIT: thinking about it now, i do pay more attention to words than music. And i love the lyricist in stead of the music producer.

Valentine's Day.  Thats the day women who aren't currently in a relationship are depressed because they are lonely.

I DONT HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I MUST BE UGLY
I WILL NEVER FIND LOVE

Whoa whoa whoa...back up here a second.  First of all, how many of those statements start with the word I? Hm, all of them do.  When did we decide that love is all about us? I need to be happy, I need a boyfriend.  It really sickens me, how desperate people are to 'find love'.  Unfortunately modern music paints love as a beautiful pretty lovefest all the time.  Teenage girls DIE to find a boyfriend.  They feel that they need to search and find THE ONE.  I understand this doesnt apply to every girl but I'm talking generally right now.

Thinking somebody is hot is not love, its attraction.
Getting butterflies in your stomach is not love, its a crush.
Not being able to live without somebody is not love, its dependence.
Having sex is not love, it is lust.

Love takes time to grow.  You dont 'fall in love', love is a choice.  You may fall into like but love is a choice. My definition of love comes from 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7. 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I dont have a good definition for how to know if you love somebody.  The one way I can compare it is with a parent's love.  I am talking about the good parents, the one who love their kids even when the kid screams I HATE YOU, or the kid completely disrespects them in every way shape and form.  It amazes me how well some parents can still take back their kids after all the crap they give them. 

To basically summarize, I am tired of hearing everybody talk about how in love they are with people after a week, and how much they love their boyfriends and are in a 'serious' three month relationship.  What a load of bull. 

My rant of the week.  kthnxbye

Kween_of_the_Queens.xanga.com

I was going through my email and found this. Read over this seriously and tell me if you think you could do this. I know a few of you can. This us the start of my rebelution. You can join me if you want.

Teenage bill of rights

We, a new generation of young Americans, in order to protect the heritage of our forefathers and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves and generations to come, do affirm and pledge this declaration:

When character and morality are uncommon qualities,

When corporations and marketers seek to profit from our destruction,

When pop culture icons do not represent our values,

When Judeo-Christian beliefs are labeled as intolerant,

When activists seek to remove God from our schools,

When truth is deemed relative and unknowable,

It is necessary for us, the emerging generation of young Americans, to stand for what is right and reclaim the values that have made our nation great. We call our nation to a higher standard, a lifestyle based

not on convenience, but on character,

not on what is easy, but on what is excellent,

not on what feels good, but on what is good,

not on popularity, but on principle,

not on what is tempting, but on what is true.


We, as young Americans, assert our right to determine our future and the future of our great nation. We hold these truths as our God-given rights, and we embrace them with our hearts and our lives:

We recognize that God, our Creator, is the source of all truth.

We will live with honor, always striving to do the right thing, even when it is unpopular. We will be honest and truthful in matters large and small, regardless of the consequences.

We will take responsibility for our actions, and not point to governments, schools, celebrities, parents, or friends to justify our wrong decisions.

We recognize that we are responsible for our mistakes. We will pursue purity throughout our lives.

We will not be seduced by a fabricated idea of sex and love.

We will save our bodies and hearts for our future spouses, and once married we commit to pursue faithful and enduring relationships.

We will see through the lies of drugs and alcohol and refuse to let any chemical influence our thinking or destroy our lives.

We will respect the authorities placed in our lives, even though some may not live as honorably as they should.

We will honor our parents, teachers, and other leaders.

We will reach out with compassion to the hurting and less fortunate, both in our society and around the world.

We refuse to be absorbed with our own comforts and desires.

We recognize the value of each life, whether born or unborn, and we seek to protect those who are unable to protect themselves.

We will do our best to represent and communicate our Creator to our peers, leaders, and society as a whole.

We will work to see that every person has the opportunity to see and hear about the true nature of our God.


In signing, we commit to pursue a life that exemplifies these standards.

We refuse to sit idly by and witness the destruction of our generation.

With God's help, we envision a bright and prosperous future for the nation we love.

Well not really, the real college auditions are in late February.  We had a faux one today and I honestly was super super nervous.  I know it is just group lessons but I was supposed to have all of the songs memorized and I had 1 3/4 out of 3.  I wore my beautiful prom dress [I didnt actually wear it to prom so it's just a formal] and my college of choice's t-shirt over that.  As my teacher said I looked like Halloween.  I figure Halloween meets dork of the years sounds about right.  I played through one pretty perfectly, the next one okay-ish and the last one...um, lets move on.  But my teacher said she could tell we have been working hard and she is proud.  It means a lot to me.

Everybody I know has been raving about my college and how great it is and all the great restaurants around it.  I was nervous before I got my acceptance letter but now I. AM. PUMPED/stoked/excited/fill in the blank.  This will be the adventure of a LIFETIME.

Hunger is like a blade that carves me
I open my arms and pull the air in
--big hug--
then poof, right before me, nobody there.
It's only me holding myself.
My arms wrap two times
around my own ribs,
meet behind my back for a secret
handshake.
I am not what was expected.
I'm so sharp--
it's cut me now I'll cut you.
Come closer
closer
No, come closer
I'm gonna make you see what i see.

I didnt write this tho i wish i had. I just like this poem...i found it in a book and i wanna share it with you

Talk to God and read his word more.

Tell people how much they mean to me.

Be there and listen for my friends even if they are doing things i dont approve of.

Dont trust everybody with private information.

Get A's in school.

Play the piano at least two hours a day.

Don't lose any weight.

Stay unimpulsive because things break when I am impulsive.

I think thats about it...just a few things i can do to improve my life...

I really do. Or at least what they have become. I know that sounds
horribly odd because i am one myself. Teenagers complain that they get
no respect but most teenagers havent earned respect. If you have no
idea what i am talking about walk into any public high school. Society
has very low standards and teenagers live down to them. Here are my
biggest pet peeves.

"rebelling is a normal part of being a teenager" i dont think so.
Unless your parents are seriously and grossly abusive i doubt that
they deserve to be treated with that surly attitude, or getting "i
hate you" screamed at them. Getting a curfew of 11 o'clock does not
count as having grossly abusive parents. Neither is them banning you
from getting a nose ring.

"im bored" >.< if i have to see one more facebook status saying that
then i'll scream!! GET A LIFE!! You are only allowed to be bored at
the doctors office AFTER you read all the magazines. At least flip
through Time magazine cos its not that boring.

"im just expressing my individuality" black clothes, heavy black
eyiner purple hair and two lip rings isnt expressing your
individuality if all your friends dress the same way. If you look
completely different than your friends than by all means that line is
yours to use.

"warning i break out in song randomly" EVERYBODY claims they break out
into random song but i dont see a bunch of people singing. If you
really are as random and crazy and your facebook page says you are
then you dont have to say so. We will all know so.

"everybody hates me" how so? Come on i doubt Everybody hates you. Cut
the drama and be real. Unless you lost your boyfriend AND best friend.
Then there may be cause for that statement.

To me these statements are attention getters. If you need attention
say so and just because you are being honest i will probably give you
some. A lot of these statements are made by immature people so cant we
just grow up for once?

They say they want to know
whats wrong im all ears
I cant talk to them
They cant handle the truth

I know i know
Just talk to them you say
I tried but their ears were closed
Closed to the sound of me crying for help

If they would try they would see
But people only see what they want to see
That doesnt include me
They see the me they want to see

The real me is still hiding